


Not So Sweet Sixteen

by triste



Category: Bleach
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-21
Updated: 2012-11-21
Packaged: 2017-11-19 05:16:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/569523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/triste/pseuds/triste
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A cause for celebration? Or a cause for concern?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not So Sweet Sixteen

Title: Not So Sweet Sixteen  
Author: Triste  
Fandom: Bleach  
Pairing: Various/Ichigo  
Rating: PG-13  
Status: Complete  
Disclaimer: Not mine

~~

It wasn't everyday that Ichigo got to celebrate reaching the grand old age of sixteen, and it wasn't everyday that he woke up to find his father in bed with him. When Ichigo first opened his eyes to see Isshin's familiar face lying right next to his on the pillow, he didn't automatically panic. He was still half-asleep after all, and he figured that somehow, his dream world had gotten itself mixed up with reality (but he didn't want to think too much about why he'd be dreaming about sharing a bed with his father).

And so, he'd closed his eyes for a second or two, rubbed them a little, and when he opened them again, it was with the hope that he really had just imagined the fact that his father was sleeping peacefully by his side.

It soon turned out that he'd imagined nothing of the thought, and that Isshin felt far too solid and real to be an illusion.

After his brain had finally processed this new and disturbing information, Ichigo finally realised that yes this *was* reality, and yes his father *had* snuck into his bed for whatever reason during the middle of the night, and as always when Ichigo was faced with something that he didn't much like, he simply chose to kick and scream at it.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY BED, YOU PERVERTED FREAK?!"

Unlike most people, Isshin never seemed to suffer from the groggy transition from sleep to wakefulness. He also didn't seem startled by Ichigo's ear-splitting yell. He just opened his eyes, blinked, then beamed widely and latched onto his son.

"I'm here to congratulate you on hitting sweet sixteen, silly boy!" he announced, raising his voice so that it matched Ichigo's in volume as though it was perfectly natural for a father to greet his son by roaring at him first thing in the morning.

Ichigo hissed and struggled like a captive kitten, even clawing at Isshin's eyes when he refused to release his grip. "That doesn't explain what you're doing in my bed, you fool!" he snarled as he finally managed to peel Isshin's arms away. "If you're going to go sleepwalking, then wander out into the street and get yourself run over instead of coming into my room!"

Momentarily subdued, Isshin crossed his arms over his chest and wibbled pathetically. "But it's been so long since Tou-san shared a bed with his precious little baby! Tou-san misses sleeping with all of his children, especially you, Ichigo!"

"I haven't slept in your bed since I was five, and anyway, Kaa-san was there too! I'm a teenager, for God's sake. I'm practically an adult!"

"No matter how much you age, you'll never be too old to snuggle with Tou-san!"

"I don't *want* to snuggle with you, weirdo! Just get the Hell out of my bed before I smash your face in!"

It was only after Ichigo had knocked his father out cold by punching him in the gut that he managed to get dressed in peace and quiet. After he'd washed his face and cleaned his teeth, he wandered downstairs and into the kitchen. He'd only just stepped through the door when a loud popping noise went off, and Ichigo scowled when he found himself covered with streamers and confetti.

"Onii-chan, happy birthday!" Yuzu called in greeting from her place by the stove. "I thought I'd cook you a special breakfast, so be sure to eat it all up, okay?"

Ichigo nodded absently, more concerned with the fact that Karin was still showering him with bits of confetti. She only stopped throwing it at him when he glared in her direction, and she grinned mischievously as she took her seat at the table.

"Don't look at me like that, Ichi-nii. Besides, this was all Yuzu's idea. She seems to think that sixteen is a magical age."

"But it *is* a magical age!" Yuzu protested. "That's why we have to spoil Onii-chan and make sure that he has a really good day!"

"You don't have to bother doing stuff like that," Ichigo said, slightly embarrassed. "Anyway, it's kind of stupid. Kids are the only ones who celebrate their birthdays."

"Well, you're going to be celebrating yours, Onii-chan," Yuzu told him firmly as she set a plate of pancakes down in front of him. "Don't forget to drink your tea, as well. Otou-san said that he'd made up a special love potion for you last night, and that I had to slip it into your tea while you weren't looking."

Ichigo had only just reached out for his cup when Yuzu finished her sentence, and he immediately flinched away from it as though he'd been scalded. "He said to do *what*?!"

"To slip a love potion into your tea!"

"Don't you listen to that stupid old man! He probably gave you rat poison or something! He's trying to kill me, the bastard!"

"Don't talk about Otou-san like that. All he's ever done is care about you, and all *you've* ever done is say hurtful things to him!"

"I say those things because he deserves to hear them! He's an asshole whose only purpose in life is to piss me off! Now throw that stuff away already!"

Yuzu narrowed her eyes and leaned in so close that Ichigo gulped nervously. "Onii-chan, it's a *love* potion. If you don't drink it, you won't be getting any cake when you come home from school tonight."

Ichigo was torn. On the one hand, he really did think that Isshin had told Yuzu to either drug his tea with sake or with bleach, but on the other, he also didn't want Yuzu to make good on her threat. He'd always had a weak spot for sweet things, and Yuzu knew this well.

"Fine, fine, I'll drink the damn potion, but if I keel over and die, just remember that it'll be on your conscience!"

Yuzu smiled happily as Ichigo downed the contents of his cup in just three swallows, throwing her arms around his neck and nuzzling his cheek. "That's the spirit! Otou-san said something about it making you lucky and getting you laid, whatever that means, but I think that it'll turn you into a magical girl for the day!"

"Maybe he'll turn into a magical girl *and* get laid?" Karin suggested with an admirably straight face.

Yuzu frowned. "You think so? I still don't understand what this whole 'getting laid' thing is about, though, and Otou-san said that he wouldn’t explain it to me until he got home from work tonight."

"He isn't *going* to explain it to you," Ichigo said darkly. "Not if I can help it."

"Don't baby me, Onii-chan!" Yuzu said with a pout. "Jeez, why are you always treating me like a kid?"

"Because you *are* a kid!" Ichigo told her. "You're too young to know about adult stuff!"

"See? You're babying me!" Yuzu let go of her brother and eyed him carefully. "Still, you were wrong about Otou-san putting poison in your tea. You seem healthy enough, but then you're not transforming either. That's troublesome."

"I'm *not* going to transform!" Ichigo said exasperatedly. "I'm going to go to school and have a perfectly normal day! Nothing out of the ordinary will end up happening to me! Everything will be just *fine*!"

~~

Unfortunately for Ichigo, he'd forgotten that most days that start off weird tend to stay weird, but he was soon reminded of this fact when he bumped into Ishida.

Ishida had always been strange, though, and so it took Ichigo a little longer than usual to notice that he was acting even odder than usual. When he told Ichigo that he had something important to show him, Ichigo had grumbled, but followed Ishida to wherever the other boy was leading him. He figured that it would be related to Hollows or just danger in general somehow, and the quicker he dealt with whatever threat he'd find himself faced with, the better.

Ichigo was surprised to say the least when Ishida brought him to his apartment, but he kicked off his shoes in the hallway and allowed Ishida to lead him inside.

"So? What was it that you wanted to show me?" he asked, waiting awkwardly while Ishida disappeared into his bedroom.

"You'll see in a minute!" Ishida called back to him. "I won't be much longer!"

Ichigo glanced down at his watch, knowing that he wouldn’t be late for school if Ishida made good on his promise and hurried himself up, but still irritated over the fact that he'd been dragged all the way out to Ishida's house in the first place.

Whatever Ishida was planning to show him, it had better be good.

Ichigo found himself somewhat baffled when Ishida reappeared with what looked to be a very frilly, very flowing wedding gown, and he frowned as he pointed a finger at the outfit.

"*This* is what you wanted me to look at? A dress?"

Ishida nodded curtly. "I've been working on it for months. What do you think?"

Ichigo was stumped. "Um... it's very... white?"

"Is that all you can say, Kurosaki? 'It's very white'?"

"What the Hell am I supposed to tell you? It's a freaking *dress* for God's sake! Why am I even looking at it, anyway? Are you getting married or something?"

Ishida's cheeks turned slightly pink and he broke his gaze away from Ichigo's. "Not exactly. I mean, I haven't... asked the person in question yet, but I was hoping... well, with today being so special and romantic and all... that the man I've been making this dress for would do me the honour of becoming my beloved and bind himself to me legally as well as romantically."

Ichigo gawked. "Wait a second... you made this for a *guy*? A guy that you seriously want to get *married* to?!"

"I made it for *you*, Kurosaki!" Ishida told him, grabbing Ichigo's hands and pressing them over his heart. "Don't you understand? *You're* the one I want to bind myself to! *You're* the one I want to see modelling this beautiful creation! *You're* the one I want to settle down and start a family with!"

It took a long moment for what Ishida had said to sink in, but even then, Ichigo's head continued to spin. "How is any of this stuff even possible? Two men can't get married in Japan! Two men can't have children together! And as far as I'm aware, cross-dressing is still something that's considered to be freakish and sinful!"

"We can change all that!" Ishida said earnestly. "You and me... *together*! I've thought about it long and hard, but now that I've made my decision, I won't be changing my mind! I've spoken to the twelfth division captain, and although I hate his guts and wish that he would drop dead from a horrible flesh-eating disease, he's offered to give me information about cloning children! He did it himself, you know. He made a daughter from a strand of his own hair."

"But... but... that's just *wrong*!" Ichigo said with a shudder. "It's weird and unnatural, not to mention completely unethical!"

"I need to repopulate my clan somehow, Kurosaki, and seeing as I'm gay and have absolutely no interest in women as sexual objects, it's the only way that I'll be able to reproduce!"

"Okay, so what does this have to do with me? I'm not a Quincy. Rebuilding your clan isn't really any of my business."

"But it *is* your business, especially now that I've chosen you as my life partner!"

"What the... don't *I* get a say in any of this?!"

"Of course you do! Actually, I needed your opinion on this dress. I think the hemline is a little too short, but I do want you to show those dainty ankles of yours. Your legs are one of your best features, the other being your eyes. They're such a beautiful shade of brown... like melted chocolate, or cafe au lait..."

Ishida was still talking to himself when Ichigo took the opportunity to slip his shoes back on and practically dive through the door in order to escape from Ishida's insanity. He ran for a long time, glancing over his shoulder at regular intervals and half-expecting to see Ishida chasing after him, but after ten minutes or so, Ichigo finally decided that he was safe. He sat down on a nearby wall in order to catch his breath, but was soon disturbed from his moment of rest by a voice yelling out, "HOWL! ZABIMARU!"

Ichigo only just evaded the attack, and not for the first time, he found himself grateful for having such quick reflexes.

"What the Hell was *that* for?!" he shrieked as he turned around to face a smirking Renji. "More importantly, what are you doing here in the human world?"

"Don't you remember?" Renji asked. "This is where we first met. Surely you have *some* memories of the occasion?"

"How could I forget?" Ichigo said sourly. "You nearly sliced my arm off with your zanpakutou! I still have the scars today!"

"Exactly! Those scars are a testament! They're a proof of our love!"

"A proof of... *what* did you just say?"

Renji hopped down off his perch and wrapped an arm around Ichigo's shoulders, yanking him roughly closer. Ichigo realised that to any random passer by, it would seem as though he was being pulled about by thin air, but looking strange in public was the least of his worries right now.

"Get *off* of me, you freaky bastard! Are you trying to hug me or kill me?!"

Renji ignored Ichigo's struggles and only tightened his grip. "Listen, I've been thinking. For a long time, I always thought Kuchiki-taichou was the only guy for me. Even though there were a lot of obstacles that stood in the way of our happiness, I always knew that eventually, true love would conquer all. Our class difference was one of the things that kept us apart. Kuchiki-taichou's marriage to Rukia's sister was another. None of that stuff bothered me, though. I devoted myself to him in spite of all that... until the day you came into my life, that is. Then everything changed."

Ichigo squirmed against Renji's grasp, trying to work himself free before he ended up passing out due to lack of oxygen. "Well, that's nice and all, and I'm sorry to hear that your love life has been so tragic and unfulfilled, but I really need to get to school before I'm late..."

"You don't have to worry about things like that anymore!" Renji told him in all seriousness. "I'm here to take you away from this lousy living world! You belong with me in Soul Society!"

"I can't go to Soul Society!" Ichigo snapped. "I'm not even dead yet!"

"And that's another reason I came here," Renji informed him. "I thought I'd kill you and take you with me!"

Ichigo ceased struggling for a second and gawked in disbelief. "You're not *serious*, are you?"

"I'll make it quick," Renji promised. "You won't even suffer. A clean and simple decapitation is all that it should take."

"But I don't *want* you to cut my head off! I like it just fine where it is, attached to the rest of my body!"

"I'm really skilled at this stuff, though! I won't even hurt you! I'd probably cause more pain the first time we make love, when I take your virginity!"

"You're not going to kill me *or* make love to me! You're going to leave me the Hell alone before I get really pissed and take *your* head off!"

"Dammit, Ichigo, why are you always so cold? I'm being all mushy here and all you can do is reject me! Don't you think I went through enough crap in the slums of Rukongai? It's your duty to make me happy, now that I've decided that you're going to be mine!"

"I don't owe you anything, and I'm not yours, either, so stop saying stuff like that!"

"That's right! You need to listen to Ichi, Monkey Boy!"

Both Renji and Ichigo paused and looked around to find the source of the new voice, but before they could find out who had spoken, Yachiru came flying out of nowhere, karate-kicking Renji in the head and waving a finger admonishingly at him when he crumpled to the ground.

"Ichi belongs to Ken-chan, not you! Besides, Ken-chan came all the way out here to play with him!"

Ichigo froze in horror when he heard that, and when he looked beyond Yachiru, it was to see Zaraki staring back at him with an expression of sadistic glee.

"I've finally found you, Kurosaki Ichigo!" he said triumphantly. "I came out here to fight you again! I want to see if you've gotten any stronger!"

"Um... I'm kind of late for school," Ichigo stammered, backing away. "And I haven't really gotten any stronger since we last fought, so it'd probably be better if you found a worthier opponent."

"Don't talk garbage, kid!" Zaraki told him. "You're the only person in this world or the next who's worthy enough of fighting me! You're the only person who's ever managed to take me down! Let's have another all-out battle and make each other bleed again!"

Ichigo's face turned pale, and he continued putting as much distance between himself and Zaraki as he possibly could. "I don't think I have the energy for another fight like that. Maybe if you come back another time, I could entertain you then, but-"

"I said to stop talking crap!" Zaraki interrupted. "Enough with the talking! Let's just fight!" He closed his eyes briefly and licked his lips. "I want to taste your blood, Kurosaki Ichigo. I want to lick it and drink it and rub it all over my face. I want to smear it all over my clothes. I want to stain my sword with it. I want to roll around in it and feel it clinging to my skin!"

Ichigo looked as though he was about to be sick, but Yachiru pumped her fist into the air encouragingly.

"See, Ichi? Ken-chan has been coming up with all *kinds* of games to play! Ichi is Ken-chan's bestest friend, so he wants to treat you well!"

"*This* is treating me well?!" Ichigo squawked. "Slicing me to pieces and then bathing in my blood?!"

"Yup! Ken-chan only ever thinks of Ichi now! Ken-chan wants to make Ichi as happy as Ichi makes him!"

Ichigo's quaking only worsened. "If he wants to make me happy, he'll just leave me alone before I throw my breakfast up all over the sidewalk."

"Don't be such a pussy!" Zaraki roared. "You've got a spine! You've also got a sword, and you know how to use it! Cut me! Cut me *everywhere*! I'll be even happier if you manage to rip out some of my internal organs!"

Yachiru nodded affirmatively. "That's what Ken-chan wants the most, Ichi! He's giving you his body so that you can give him lots of fluffy feelings by tearing out his insides!"

"I think I need to find a bathroom first," Ichigo said weakly, clutching his stomach. "I don't feel too good..."

"Okay then, but don't forget to come back!" Yachiru chirped. "If Ichi tries to run away, Ken-chan will chase him forever!"

Ichigo didn't doubt that, and he stumbled away as quickly as he could, grateful for the fact that although Zaraki was a little on the obsessive side, he also had no sense of direction whatsoever. Even if Zaraki chased after him for the rest of his life, Ichigo knew that it wouldn't be too difficult to just shake him off and hide until he'd gone away.

That was his plan now, anyway, and it seemed to be working. Unfortunately, Ichigo was so intent on watching his back for pursuers that he wasn't paying attention to where he was actually going, and it was something of a shock when he bumped right into someone.

"Sorry!" he said quickly, backing away. "My bad!"

A hand reached out and caught his arm before he could run off again, and Ichigo's eyes widened in shock when he saw who he'd almost knocked over in his haste.

"We've only just met and already you're eager to leave, Ichigo-kun?" Ukitake smiled down at him warmly and Ichigo stuttered a little when he spoke.

"Ukitake-san? What are you doing here?"

"I came to look for you, of course. I was a little worried when I couldn't find you at your house, and I thought you might be in trouble."

Ichigo breathed a sigh of relief and fought the urge to cling onto Ukitake's robes in sheer gratitude. "That's *exactly* what's been happening to me! I've had nothing but trouble ever since I woke up this morning!"

Ukitake's face darkened. "Is it a Hollow that's at large?"

"Huh?" Ichigo shook his head. "Oh no, nothing like that. I just... well, I... and then..." He trailed off sheepishly. "Well, things have just been kind of weird lately, so I guess I'm not myself."

Ukitake nodded understandingly and placed a hand on Ichigo's shoulder. "Is there anything I can help you with?"

Ichigo thought about Zaraki and Renji, and he was on the verge of telling Ukitake everything that had happened when suddenly, he was reminded of the captain's ill health. "No, it's okay. I wouldn't want to be a burden. So what did you want, anyway?"

"I just came to see if the device that I gave you is functioning properly. It's only a prototype, and I was concerned that there might be trouble with it. You have had it for quite a while, after all."

"I haven't been using it all that long, but I've had no problems with it so far." Ichigo paused. "Well, actually, there *was* this one thing... Some guy said he'd been sent to deal with the Hollows in Karakura, and he also said that my badge was illegal and suspicious. It *is* official, right? I *am* supposed to have it, aren't I?"

"Of course it's official! Report this man to me at once, Ichigo-kun. I'll be sure to deal with him accordingly."

"Oh, I never asked his name, and I haven't seen him since. Is he going to get into trouble?"

"He will if I ever see him." Ukitake shook his head disapprovingly. "You poor thing, Ichigo-kun. Your life is nothing but trouble."

"It's not *that* bad," Ichigo said, but his voice sounded fake and forced, even to his own ears.

"You can confide in me, Ichigo-kun," Ukitake said solemnly, letting his other hand rest on Ichigo's shoulders and squeezing them. "If anything is bothering you, please feel free to let it all out."

For a second, Ichigo was tempted to do as Ukitake had said. He didn't know why, but Ukitake had always been comforting to him somehow. Ukitake was kind and funny and fair to everyone, and there was just something about the thirteenth division captain that made Ichigo want to trust him infinitely.

"I'm really not sure where to start," he finally admitted. "I guess it was when I woke up this morning to find my father in bed with me. Things just went downhill from there, and..." He paused when he realised that Ukitake wasn't actually listening to him. "Um... Ukitake-san...?"

Ukitake blinked, then shook his head. "Sorry about that, Ichigo-kun. I was just thinking about something for a moment there." He smiled and raised a hand to Ichigo's cheek. "Have I ever mentioned how much you resemble my dead vice-captain, by the way?"

Ichigo was baffled by that seemingly random question. "Uh... no?"

"Well, you do. Very much so. Have you ever considered dying your hair?"

"Not that I remember..."

"I think you ought to try it sometime. You do look good as you are now, but I think I'd like you even more if your hair was black."

"Um..."

"You should come back to Soul Society with me, Ichigo-kun. I know you're only a freelance Shinigami, but you could still play dress-up with those vice-captain badges."

"I really don't think-"

"And you could rename your zanpakutou while you're at it. How does 'Nejibana' sound?"

Ichigo had been so focused on trying to come to grips with what Ukitake had been saying to him to notice that the older man had been petting his hair at first, but when he did, he backed away immediately.

"Um... it's been nice talking to you, Ukitake-san, but I really need to go now."

"So soon?" Ukitake seemed disappointed. "But you haven't confided in me yet!"

"I'll do it some other time!" Ichigo promised as he continued to back away. "See you later!"

Honestly, Ichigo was hoping that he wouldn't, and as soon as he'd said his goodbye he dashed off, leaving a very bewildered-looking Ukitake behind.

Chad was the next person to cross Ichigo's path, and Ichigo felt relief welling up inside him again at the sight of his best friend. If anyone would understand his situation, it would be Chad.

"You have to help me!" Ichigo gasped as he came skidding to a halt. "Everyone I've met today has gone totally insane!"

Chad frowned in concern, and he glanced back in the direction that Ichigo had come. "What is it? Is someone chasing you? Are you hurt?"

"Oh no, I'm fine. You have to listen to me, though! I'm in serious trouble!"

"Just say the words and I'll help you out," Chad said quietly. "A list of names would be better. Then I could hunt down whoever has been trying to harm you and teach them a lesson. I only use my fists for your sake, remember?"

"Yeah, I know. And thanks. But... it's not really that they're trying to *hurt* me, it's just... I'm not sure if I can explain it..."

"Then take a deep breath and start right at the beginning. I'm here, Ichigo. I won't let anyone bother you."

Ichigo did as he was told, closing his eyes for a second and breathing in deeply. He always felt calmer when Chad was around, and this time was no different. Chad waited patiently for him to speak and Ichigo found himself being reminded of the fact that however much the world and its people changed, his relationship with Chad would always remain solid as a rock.

"Well, it all started when I woke up to find my dad in bed with me," he began, but Chad interrupted him before he could continue.

"Your father did this?" he asked. "Do I need to call the police? Social services? What about your sisters?"

"Oh, he wasn't doing anything wrong," Ichigo said hastily. "Well, other than being in my bed, I mean. Actually, he was pretty normal. He seemed excited about today being my birthday, but I knocked him out before he could get too annoying."

Chad nodded. "I see. Then what happened?"

"I ate breakfast, set off for school, and then I bumped into Ishida. He was acting *really* weird... even weirder than usual. He took me over to his house and told me that he wanted to marry me and make me wear a dress and clone children from our hair."

"So Ishida is the one who upset you?"

"Not just him. Renji showed up after I ran away, and he threatened to kill me. Then Zaraki made an appearance and said that he wanted to bathe in my blood. Then I bumped into Ukitake-san."

"Did he make any threats?"

"No, not really. He was just as nice as always, only freakier somehow. He kept smiling at me all funny and stroking my face and telling me that I needed to dye my hair black."

Although Chad still looked worried, Ichigo felt a lot better for having shared his troubles with somebody else. At least now he didn't feel quite so alone, and with Chad's steadying influence, Ichigo knew that he'd be safe.

He was a little startled when Chad suddenly wrapped his arms around him and pulled him into a hug, but it wasn't entirely unpleasant. Sure they were close, but they'd never done anything like this before. Ichigo didn't resist, though, and after he'd relaxed somewhat, it actually started to feel good.

He couldn't even remember the last time he'd been held like this, and he'd forgotten how comforting it was. Chad's hands were rubbing over his back in slow, soothing circles, and Ichigo found himself relaxing even more.

"It's okay," Chad told him. "I won't let anything bad happen to you. I promise."

Ichigo nodded. He knew better than anyone how dependable Chad was, not to mention utterly unshakeable. If Chad said that things were going to be all right, then they were going to be all right. Ichigo believed him. More importantly, he trusted him.

"You really are good to me, Chad," he admitted. "You're always so kind. Kinder than anyone."

"It's how Abuelo taught me to be," Chad replied. "It's because of what he did back then that I can love you like I do today."

Ichigo smiled. "That's kind of nice." Then he froze. "Wait a second... *love* me?!"

Chad stared down at him solemnly. "I've been waiting so long to find the right time to say it, but now that it's here... I love you, Ichigo. More than anything."

Ichigo shook Chad urgently. "Don't do this to me, man! Don't you start getting all weird on me, too! I need you to help keep me sane, and you're won't do that if you keep saying strange stuff!"

"But it's true, Ichigo. I really do love you. Please believe me."

"How the Hell can I believe what you're saying when you're not even being yourself?! You're freaking me out, dammit!" Ichigo wriggled free and eyed Chad warily. "I think I ought to go."

Chad looked absolutely heart-broken. "No! Don't leave! Not after I've bared my soul to you!"

Ichigo was already off, though, and he refused to feel bad for speaking so harshly to his best friend when Chad had been the one to start acting strangely in the first place. He knew that Chad probably wouldn't try following him after something like that, but he kept glancing over his shoulder anyway, making sure to keep an eye out for random by passers in case he happened to run into them the same way that he'd run into Ukitake.

Ichigo shuddered and wondered just why everyone seemed to be acting so abnormally around him. Even Chad had apparently lost his sanity, and with his most reassuring and reliable friend out of action, Ichigo found himself being twice as cautious as he had been before. He was so busy concentrating on being suspicious and alert to his surroundings, in fact, that he failed to notice when someone stepped up behind him and clamped a hand down on his shoulder.

Any other time and he might have been embarrassed about the very unmanly shriek that he let out, but seeing as he had more important things to worry about right now, it didn't really bother him as much as it should have. He was far more concerned about the person who'd just stopped him, and when he whirled round to face a lazily grinning Hirako, Ichigo could only glare.

"What the Hell do you want?" he snapped. "If you're trying to recruit me for that stupid army of yours again, then forget it. I won't have anything to do with you or your creepy little pals!"

"How mean," Hirako drawled. "You shouldn't jump to conclusions like that, Kurosaki Ichigo. Is it such a crime to greet a classmate on the way to school?"

Ichigo stuttered a little. "Well, no, but... you're planning something fishy, aren't you? You're going to fight me or call one of your allies and have them kidnap me again, or-"

"Like I said, you're jumping to conclusions," Hirako told him. "You really are highly-strung for a boy of your age. If you worry too much, you'll only hurt yourself and damage your health. It's in my best interests to make sure that you remain alive and well, otherwise you'll be of no use to me or my comrades."

"Oh, I get it," Ichigo said darkly. "Keep me safe now so that you can torture me later, huh? You really are disgusting..."

"You don't belong with those Soul Society idiots," Hirako said with a shrug. "You're one of us. Join our cause and I promise that you won't regret it."

"If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times. Just leave me alone!"

"Now, now, don't be hasty. If you join our army, we can grant you power! You also get an obligatory free gift upon subscription. You can either choose the clock or the calendar."

"I don't want your stupid power, or your lousy gifts, and it's the last time I'm going to say this! Now get lost!"

Hirako sighed. "Why are you always so cruel? You won't even hang out with me after class. My inner Hollow really wants to meet your inner Hollow, you know. If you'd only let him out for a while, we could cause wonderful destruction together!"

Ichigo made a face. "Like Hell I'm letting that guy out. He's a stone-cold psycho! He'll kill everyone in town, just for fun!"

Hirako shook his head sadly. "You still don't get it. You shouldn't fear your Hollow self. You need to understand him, accept him... even make love to him!"

Ichigo choked on thin air. "I need to do *what*?!"

"Make love to him. Or let him make love to you. They do tend to have the more dominant personality, after all. And just out of curiosity, what does your inner world look like?"

"Huh?" Ichigo frowned at the sudden change of subject. "Well, it's, um... not really all that interesting. It's just a bunch of skyscrapers lying on their sides. What does *your* inner world look like?" The grin that spread over Hirako's face was truly evil, and Ichigo felt a chill run down his spine when he saw it. "No, wait, don't answer that. I'd rather *not* know, now that I think about it."

"Suit yourself. Just remember that all work and no play makes Ichigo a dull little boy."

"I'll keep that in mind. Now will you scram already? You're really starting to piss me off."

Someone else spoke up before Hirako could answer, and Ichigo felt his stomach churn when he recognised who the voice belonged to.

"Step aside, Kurosaki. I'll take care of this."

Although Ishida was glaring menacingly, Hirako seemed completely unruffled by his aggressiveness. For a moment, Ichigo began to panic, and he wondered how he could possibly prevent a fight between the two when it suddenly occurred to him that he ought to just leave them to it. If he was really lucky, they'd finish each other off, and he'd have two less people to bother him.

"You're being very rude," Hirako said mildly as he stared back at Ishida. "I was just conducting a little business. You really shouldn't have interrupted like that."

"And you shouldn't be threatening Kurosaki like that," Ishida said evenly. "Besides, he belongs to me!"

"Oh really?" Hirako raised an eyebrow. "I don't see your name written on him."

Ishida's glasses glinted triumphantly as he pulled a pen out of his pocket and grabbed Ichigo's left forearm, holding it steady as he began applying the ink. "Ishi... da... U... ryuu..." He leaned back a little to admire his work. "There. Now it's written."

"Hmph. How pathetic." Hirako pulled out a pen of his own and took Ichigo's right arm, sticking his tongue out between his teeth in concentration as he set about making his mark of ownership. "I'm much more special than you are. I can spell *my* name backwards."

"You? Special?" Ishida said scornfully. "Don't make me laugh. You're just like all the other Shinigami. You're annoying, unnecessary, and you have poor fashion sense."

"At least I'm not useless," Hirako said, narrowing his eyes. "You call yourself a Quincy, but you've lost all your power. *You're* the one who's unnecessary!"

There were a lot of ways in which Ishida could have responded to a taunt like that. He could have come up with an equally cutting insult of his own, or he could have stooped to using physical violence. Surprisingly, he came up with a better alternative, and that was to stab Hirako in the face with his pen, leaving a very large, very ugly black ink stain on his skin.

Hirako's eyes widened in disbelief, and it took him a moment to understand what Ishida had just done. Once he'd finished figuring out what had happened, though, it didn't take much longer for him to retaliate, and he lashed out with his own pen, marking Ishida's cheek.

The two of them glared at each other, completely forgetting about Ichigo in their anger as they wielded their writing implements as though they were weapons. Ichigo could practically see the sparks shooting from their eyes and he took the opportunity to back away before the sheer intensity of the atmosphere electrocuted him.

Neither Ishida nor Hirako seemed to notice, and Ichigo held his breath as he continued to step backwards, and when he realised that their attention was far too focused on each other to bother with anything else, he quickly turned tail and ran.

He ran and ran and didn't stop until he'd reached his house, fumbling in his pocket for the keys and then slamming the door behind him once he was inside. Yuzu and Karin had already left for school, and Ichigo knew that his father would be at work, leaving the place blissfully empty and quiet.

He knew that he'd probably get in trouble for skipping classes, but he really didn't want to leave the sanctuary of his home again, not while everyone around him seemed to be infected with some sort of crazy virus.

Just when Ichigo was about to switch the TV on to see if there had been any strange reports on the news, the sound of the window sliding open almost caused him to jump right out of his skin. He slowly turned around, half-expecting to see Ishida climbing in, but he was somewhat baffled when he saw Hanatarou instead.

"Good morning, Ichigo-san!" he said brightly, still only halfway into the house. "It's been a long time since we last saw each other, so I thought I'd pay you a visit!"

It was then that he got his uniform caught on the window latch, and he flailed frantically as he began to tumble. Ichigo caught him before he could fall, though, and Hanatarou smiled up at him gratefully.

"Why didn't you just knock on the door like a normal person?" Ichigo asked as he set Hanatarou back on his feet. "Or you could have used your powers and sort of... melted inside."

"Oh, I can't do anything as impressive as that," Hanatarou said sheepishly as he rubbed the back of his head. "Besides, this is my first time in the world of the living and it's a little confusing. I couldn't melt through windows even if I tried."

Ichigo shook his head irritably, then frowned when he noticed some sort of liquid on his wrist. "Are you carrying around some sort of medicine? I think you spilled it on me when you fell."

Hanatarou bowed his head. "I'm sorry, Ichigo-san. It's just that you're so much stronger than me, and I really wouldn't want you to struggle."

"Struggle? Why would I do something like..." Ichigo slumped to the floor before he could finish the rest of his sentence. "Hanatarou, something's wrong. I can't move my body. My arms and my legs won't work! What's happening to me?!"

"That would be the effects of the paralysis potion," Hanatarou informed him meekly.

"Paralysis potion? Well, don't you have an antidote somewhere?!"

"Oh, there's no need for concern. I only used a small amount, so it'll wear off in less than an hour. Until then, however, you'll be completely at my mercy."

Ichigo could only watch in horror as Hanatarou opened up his bag and began to pull on a pair of rubber gloves. "What are you doing? And what do you mean, 'at your mercy'? You didn't spill that stuff over me on *purpose*, did you?"

"I do apologise, Ichigo-san, but it has to be this way." Hanatarou smiled sweetly. "I'm not going to hurt you, though. I know I'm not much to look at, but at least I always come prepared."

Ichigo's alarm only grew when Hanatarou brought out a jar of what appeared to be jelly, and although he willed his body to move, it refused to obey him. "Prepared for what? What are you planning on doing? Hanatarou? Hanatarou?!"

Hanatarou merely continued to smile as he reached down to unbutton Ichigo's pants, and Ichigo could only close his eyes and scream. He was still screaming when another voice made itself know, but this one sounded even more familiar than Hanatarou's, and it was only when Ichigo stopped yelling that he registered the fact that it belonged to his father.

"GOOD MOOORNIIING, ICHIGOOO!!!"

When Ichigo opened his eyes again, he was back in his room with his head currently crushed against the pillow by Isshin’s fist. It was only after he managed to struggle underneath him and knee him in the ribs that Isshin let him go, but even then, his good mood was in no danger of disappearing.

"That's my boy!" he said proudly as he Ichigo pushed himself up into a sitting position. "An instant reaction! Very good!"

Ichigo stared. "Oyaji? What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to wake you up, of course!" Isshin reached into his pocket and then pulled out a harmonica. He tooted a few tuneless notes, cleared his throat and then began singing. "Happy birthday to you! I went to the zoo! I saw a bald monkey and I thought it was you!" He bowed, expecting to hear applause for his impromptu little ditty, then straightened up again when he noticed that Ichigo had yet to make a sound. "That's kind of disappointing, son. Don't tell me you've forgotten what day it is?" He wound an arm around Ichigo's neck and shook him affectionately. "Silly boy. It's your *birthday*!"

Ichigo blinked. "My birthday?"

"That's right! My adorable little baby is sixteen years old!" Isshin grinned broadly. "Since it's such a big event, Tou-san was sure to make you something special to remember it by." He reached into his other pocket and pulled out a tiny vial. "Here you are! A love potion, concocted by yours truly! It's guaranteed to get results, and if you're *really* lucky, you'll even lose that pesky virginity!"

Ichigo stared blankly. "Love... potion?" Then a look of absolute terror crossed his face. "I can't! Get it away from me! Leave me alone! Don't come near!!"

He tore himself away and ran out of the room, and Isshin frowned when he heard the crashing noises Ichigo made as he galloped down the stairs.

"Sheesh. What got into *him*?"

 

End.


End file.
